65 Funny Non-Swearing Insults And Sarcastic Quotes

Updated: June 13, 2021 / Home » Quotes [ Lesson for Life ]

The best comeback is not through violence, it is to outsmart your opponent by insulting them intelligently with none swearing replies, also known as a punchline. Punching or physically assaulting someone is a crime, you will end up in prison with a bad record, however, insulting without using any curse word is not a crime.

😭 😍 😂 45 Funny Sarcastic Quotes to Insult Your Facebook Friends

Without further ado, here are 55 insulting quotes for fake friends, ex bf, ex gf, enemies and haters, share it on your Facebook or Tweeter as an indirect message.

I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.

I'm not insulting you. I'm describing you.
I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you.

It's ok if you disagree with me. I can't force you to be right.
It’s ok if you disagree with me. I can’t force you to be right.

I'm actually not funny. I'm just mean and people think I'm joking.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just mean and people think I’m joking.

If you don't want a sarcastic answer, don't ask a stupid question.
If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, don’t ask a stupid question.

I'm busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?
I’m busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?

I was wondering how you comb your hair so the horns don't show.
I was wondering how you comb your hair so the horns don’t show.

I love rumors. I always find out amazing things about myself I never knew.
I love rumors. I always find out amazing things about myself I never knew.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.
Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.

If you don't like me, take a map, get a car, drive to hell. Have a nice trip.
If you don’t like me, take a map, get a car, drive to hell. Have a nice trip.

Oh, my bad. I'm sorry for bothering you. I forgot I only exist when you need me for something.
Oh, my bad. I’m sorry for bothering you. I forgot I only exist when you need me for something.

If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

I'm sorry I offended you with my common sense.
I’m sorry I offended you with my common sense.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you had the authority to judge me. Who are you? God?
Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you had the authority to judge me. Who are you? God?

Ignore me, I don't care I'm used to it anyways, I'm invisible.
Ignore me, I don’t care I’m used to it anyways, I’m invisible.

I love that super cute thing you do where you don't text me back for hours, adorable.
I love that super cute thing you do where you don’t text me back for hours, adorable.

I'm sorry if you don't like my honesty, but to be fair, I don't like your lies.
I’m sorry if you don’t like my honesty, but to be fair, I don’t like your lies.

I'm sorry you were offended when I called you a hoe. I didn't know it was a secret.
I’m sorry you were offended when I called you a hoe. I didn’t know it was a secret.

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If lying was a job, I know some people who would be billionaires.
If lying was a job, I know some people who would be billionaires.

I may be drunk, miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
I may be drunk, miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

Oh I didn't realize you're an expert in my life and how I should live it. Please continue while I take notes.
Oh I didn’t realize you’re an expert in my life and how I should live it. Please continue while I take notes.

I am just so talented. I can listen to music and ignore you at the same time.
I am just so talented. I can listen to music and ignore you at the same time.

Excuse me miss, you've got a bit of face on your make up.
Excuse me miss, you’ve got a bit of face on your make up.

Are you always this stupid, or are you making a special effort today?
Are you always this stupid, or are you making a special effort today?

Is your ass jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth?
Is your ass jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth?

The last thing I want to do is hurt you... But it's still on the list.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you… But it’s still on the list.

You must have been born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen.
You must have been born on a highway because that’s where most accidents happen.

If common sense is common why are you without it?
If common sense is common why are you without it?

Zombies eat brains, don't worry, you're safe.
Zombies eat brains, don’t worry, you’re safe.

Keep rolling your eyes, maybe you'll find a brain back there.
Keep rolling your eyes, maybe you’ll find a brain back there.

You sound better with your mouth closed.
You sound better with your mouth closed.

I'd slap you but that would be animal abuse.
I’d slap you but that would be animal abuse.

Without stupid people like you, we would have no one to laugh at. Thank you for your contribution to society.
Without stupid people like you, we would have no one to laugh at. Thank you for your contribution to society.

Bitch, I'd kick you in the V, but I'm afraid I'd lose my shoe.
Bitch, I’d kick you in the V, but I’m afraid I’d lose my shoe.

I'm not saying I hate you, but I'd unplug your life support to charge my phone.
I’m not saying I hate you, but I’d unplug your life support to charge my phone.

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from durex.
Your birth certificate is an apology letter from durex.

I would love to insult you, but I'm afraid I won't do as well as your own genetics.
I would love to insult you, but I’m afraid I won’t do as well as your own genetics.

Somewhere out there is a tree working hard to replace the oxygen you wasted, now go apologize to it.
Somewhere out there is a tree working hard to replace the oxygen you wasted, now go apologize to it.

You are like the first piece of bread, everybody touches you but no one wants you.
You are like the first piece of bread, everybody touches you but no one wants you.

You should eat some make up, at least you'll be pretty on the inside.
You should eat some make up, at least you’ll be pretty on the inside.

When your parents dropped you off at pre school, they were arrested for littering.
When your parents dropped you off at pre school, they were arrested for littering.

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
I’d like to see things from your point of view but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my ass.

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If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and you, I would shoot you twice.
If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and you, I would shoot you twice.

You have a face only a mother could love. I bet she tells you you're special too.
You have a face only a mother could love. I bet she tells you you’re special too.

Your mom should've swallowed.
Your mom should’ve swallowed.

Stupidity is not a crime, if it is, you'll end up in jail.
Stupidity is not a crime, if it is, you’ll end up in jail.

I can remove 90% of your beauty with a wet tissue.
I can remove 90% of your beauty with a wet tissue.

Learn from your parents' mistakes, use birth control.
Learn from your parents’ mistakes, use birth control.

You look like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You look like something I’d draw with my left hand.

You're so ugly, when you were born your mom said What a treasure and your dad said Lets go bury it!
You’re so ugly, when you were born your mom said “What a treasure” and your dad said “Lets go bury it!”

Your life is useless, just like your dad's condom.
Your life is useless, just like your dad’s condom.

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma.
Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma.

The best part about me, is I'm not you.
The best part about me, is I’m not you.

I don't hate you but I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.
I don’t hate you but I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.

Don't blame a clown for acting like a clown, blame yourself for going to the circus.
Don’t blame a clown for acting like a clown, blame yourself for going to the circus.

Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot I only exist when you need something.
Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot I only exist when you need something.

Listen, I'm a nice person. So if I'm an asshole to you, you need to ask yourself why.
Listen, I’m a nice person. So if I’m an asshole to you, you need to ask yourself why.

Don't take yourself so seriously, no one else does.
Don’t take yourself so seriously, no one else does.

I would like to confirm that I do not care.
I would like to confirm that I do not care.

I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended. Please be patient. I will get to you shortly.
I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended. Please be patient. I will get to you shortly.

I'm sorry that my forced apology sounded insincere, I'll try to make it more convincing next time.
I’m sorry that my forced apology sounded insincere, I’ll try to make it more convincing next time.

I'm sorry for what I said when I wanted you to disappear.
I’m sorry for what I said when I wanted you to disappear.

I'm sorry for whatever I did to make you think I give a shit about your feelings.
I’m sorry for whatever I did to make you think I give a shit about your feelings.

I'm sorry if I behaved in a way that made you think I should apologize but I won't because I know I didn't do anything wrong.
I’m sorry if I behaved in a way that made you think I should apologize but I won’t because I know I didn’t do anything wrong.

65 Comments

  1. Gravatar
    Fahima Osman [ Reply ]

    Mwah

  2. Gravatar
    We are family!!! [ Reply ]

    Your moms so fat when she goes to the ocean the whale says. ” we are family”

    • Gravatar
      DEADSHOT [ Reply ]

      At least she gave birth to someone important. By that I mean me!

    • Gravatar
      IMMAROASTER [ Reply ]

      THAT JOKE IS SOOOO OLD
      :|

      • Gravatar
        Ciara Jules [ Reply ]

        Wow no wonder when u were born the doctor threw you out of the window and the window threw you back

    • Gravatar
      Cameron Evans [ Reply ]

      Lemme drop some TRUE fire. Yo momma so FAT, when she asked for a water bed, they put a blanket over the Pacific Ocean.😎

      • Gravatar
        kathryn [ Reply ]

        your so ugly you scare the crap out of the toilet

        • Gravatar
          dolapo [ Reply ]

          If u check the dictionary for the word ugly you will see your picture in their

    • Gravatar
      lauren [ Reply ]

      Lol

      • Gravatar
        BadassGamer [ Reply ]

        People who go out and meet you stops to buy aspirin on the way home.

        • Gravatar

          I might be fat, but your ugly and I can diet.

    • Gravatar
      Zahira Brown [ Reply ]

      Roses are red,
      Violets are blue,
      Who said that I gave a damn about you?

      (I’m coming for you Tatianna)

    • Gravatar
      kathryn [ Reply ]

      my phone battery last longer than your relationships

      • Gravatar
        lizardbrain1 [ Reply ]

        Lol my phone battery doesn’t last at all!
        It’s plugged in right now.

      • Gravatar
        David holland [ Reply ]

        That’s because you’re still rocking in the Nokia 3310

    • Gravatar

      To mama’s so fat that when she went into space, there was no space!

    • Gravatar

      Fantastic

  3. Gravatar
    Bezerker [ Reply ]

    Picking on mothers is just a weak confrontation of someones ignorance. You must be a fart that escaped from some hobos ass with the soul purpose of staining the internet with your stupidity

    • Gravatar
      Ngan Tengyuen [ Reply ]

      I am sorry for your lack of humor.

      • Gravatar

        Oof. Way to show your lack of maturity. Does baby need a blankie?

        • Gravatar
          kathryn [ Reply ]

          i thought of u today it reminded me to take out the trash

        • Gravatar
          kathryn [ Reply ]

          you got a face that can turn fresh milk sour

          • Gravatar
            Mrs. Darlene

            Hahahaha love it

      • Gravatar
        Kerry woolsey [ Reply ]

        Yo mama so fat,she put mayonnaise on her advil

    • Gravatar

      And picking on hobo’s is just a weak confrontation of society

      • Gravatar
        Germaine Smidt [ Reply ]

        What is this??😂😂 my gosh some of these I already say on my own

    • Gravatar
      Riya Chandler Bing [ Reply ]

      That’s so true I feel the same way

    • Gravatar
      Clyde b. [ Reply ]

      Savage bro.

      • Gravatar
        ⛓Watchtower⛓ [ Reply ]

        LMFAO 😭😅💀😅😭💀😭💀😅😭

  4. Gravatar
    Kimbali [ Reply ]

    You So Funny😂
    Keep It Up

  5. Gravatar

    I know the best insult that you can’t come back from, it will DEVASTATE you! Just say stop being a taaha

  6. Gravatar
    IMMAROASTER [ Reply ]

    I use this one to roast my brother every day:
    If there was a zombie apocalypse, they eat brains, but they would eat you, just so they don’t have to look at your face.

  7. Gravatar
    fenny Jones [ Reply ]

    haha haha this is crazy😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

  8. Gravatar

    If condoms are to prevent mistakes , how the hell are you here ?

  9. Gravatar
    KEYSFULLOFBUMPS [ Reply ]

    This helped me roast my annoying friends in my class

  10. Gravatar
    Sud Jurbrie [ Reply ]

    I’m so lucky God did not make me you

  11. Gravatar
    Abigail [ Reply ]

    The quote
    “I may be drunk, but tomorrow I’ll be sober and you’ll still be ugly” is by Winston Churchill.

  12. Gravatar
    Unknown Person [ Reply ]

    When your teacher says, “Pull up your pants!”, and you say “Pull up my grade man”. lmao

  13. Gravatar

    you must have been born on a highway thats where most acsdents happen

  14. Gravatar

    Nice really funny🙌🙌🙌🙌😅😄😄😄😄😄

  15. Gravatar

    I think someone needs a pat on the head probably with a sledge hammer and so an hug around the neck with a rope

  16. Gravatar
    jordan [ Reply ]

    bahh this shit is hella funny

  17. Gravatar
    Marcos [ Reply ]

    Hoes are just mistakes that their parents make with out the condom

  18. Gravatar

    Roses are red,
    Violets are blue,
    a face like that belongs in a zoo
    don’t worry i will be there too
    not in a cage
    but laughing at you

    • Gravatar

      id like to meet the rest of your
      family take me to them at the zoo

    • Gravatar
      nugget [ Reply ]

      everybody knows that one…. no offence

  19. Gravatar
    Indiana [ Reply ]

    If someone calls you ugly just say “I’m not a mirror…”

    • Gravatar

      and they will say “that’s the point”

  20. Gravatar
    Savage [ Reply ]

    Your ex: I miss you, please give me a second chance
    Your reply: Can you give my ears a second chance and stop talking?

  21. Gravatar

    your the reason god created the middle finger

  22. Gravatar
    kathryn [ Reply ]

    every time u look in the mirror ur reflection runs away

  23. Gravatar

    when ever i look at you i think of taking out the trash

  24. Gravatar

    You’re a grey sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.

  25. Gravatar
    lizardbrain1 [ Reply ]

    Lol you guys are rlly mean 😂😂

  26. Gravatar
    Amelia [ Reply ]

    Oh you’re talking to me, I thought you only talked behind my back.

  27. Gravatar
    martha chambers [ Reply ]

    I’ve got a better idea. Respond with love. Love is stronger than hate. Kindness is stronger than meanness. Want to do a scientific experiment? Try responding consistently with kindness to meanness and see what happens. If the relationship has been sour for a long time, it will take longer to melt that person’s heart. It is very hard for someone to reject love because that’s what we are made for.

  28. Gravatar
    Jayikel [ Reply ]

    You think you got bars? The only bars you got is chocolate

  29. Gravatar

    Roses are red violets are blue..i have five fingers middle one 4 u

  30. Gravatar

    Roses are red, violet’s are blue, I have five fingers, the middle one’s for you! Lolll

  31. Gravatar
    Doopar [ Reply ]

    Your so ugly you make onions cry

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